breathe

one of my housemates either uses a strong variety of toothpaste, or a lot of normal toothpaste. the fragrance illuminates the restroom and i feel safe, sometimes even rejuvenated, when i enter. me, the person who feels too threatened by the microbes in the bathroom air to leave their toothbrush out by the sink! who knew freshness and mint could be so soothing?

i wake up before 8 every day for work, sometimes before 7, and actually feel energized. i haven’t been able to sustain this since elementary school, which essentially means i’ve never done it. i sleep on the couch, and it’s technically a sofa bed, but i haven’t actually unfolded it because i simply haven’t seen the point yet. maybe this is not surprising given the exorbitant number of sleepovers i had at mit; sleeping on soft surfaces that are not beds makes me happy and i am not sure why. perhaps it feels adventurous?

we are at the beach and i stare at the ocean for the first time in years. my last memory of this was two summers ago, when we drove across san mateo bridge and i gaped at the bay because i was used to being in landlocked plano, and my friend from san diego laughed because it was just normal water for them. i never got to do this in boston because i was always on campus, and in new york the skyline was too distracting for me to pay attention to the rest of the world

now i listen to strangers talk about psychedelics and meditation for hours while watching seagulls wander on the shore. did you know that seagulls have the most elegant wingspan-to-body-length ratio? you don’t notice it when they ascend because they struggle to keep flapping their wings, but their glides and descents are stunningly gentle, so soft and tender they could tear your heart out and melt it into a puddle of love 

i have been listening to music from unconventional sources like my friend’s sister’s youtube channel and a cappella covers and random atmospheric compilations, and unironically enjoy them more than mainstream artists’ output. a friend recently mentioned how even looping a song for a few hours is an unimaginable privilege — a few centuries ago you’d need to hire some musicians and have them perform the same piece over and over as they bored themselves to death — and when i think seriously about these things i am overwhelmed by gratitude for being alive

apparently there are techniques like holotropic breathing that you can use to get high off of breath alone. i haven’t read up on them yet so i don’t understand how they work, but i do know that when i focus on breathing i feel inexplicably exuberant and calm and resolute. mindful breathing started as a group singing exercise and later doubled as a treatment for my acid reflux problems but both have disappeared from my life and now breathing has become my most consistent mood stabilizer

i love when the sun emerges and i can wear shorts outside and feel the cool breeze around my legs. i love walking through the parks and streets of sf with you, and talking for hours while exploring a city i know everything and nothing about. but you are unlike the sun or the breeze, and also unlike the toothpaste or the seagulls; you are passing, distant, scarce, and this type of love is unsustainable, the short end of a bright fuse, the kind of fuel i can’t subsist on. it does not yet understand what i am learning, which is that day in and day out cannot come from friends and other people, or from anywhere but myself

i don’t think i’m anywhere close to spirituality or inner peace or whatever you want to call it. i can breathe and notice feelings and understand gratitude more clearly, but only when in specific mental states, and i am still a ways away from transitioning towards healthier forms of motivation. but i am making progress, and the sky is cracking open and the world is slowly flooding with light-soaked joy