what my “very bad” days look like

i wasn’t sure if this should go on the admissions blog or not so i’m erring on the side of caution

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in my journal i classify each day as very good, good, ok, bad, or very bad. almost everything on this blog comes from very good, good, or bad days; ok days aren’t that noteworthy and i’ve never actually written about the very bad days of my life. probably the main reason for this is that when i feel terrible i’m not in the state of mind to be able to write blog posts, and when i feel fine i genuinely can’t recall how terrible i felt previously. i can remember that i felt bad, and i can see when my journal indicates a day was bad, but most of the details are gone and all i have are hollow written descriptions and vague memories. it’s really hard to recreate those states of despair, or maybe it’s not actually hard but i refuse to out of fear or self-preservation. so i will try my best in this post but don’t expect to do a particularly good job; i barely remember what actually happens anyway

i’ll start worrying about very silly things. most of the time those things are completely absurd. for instance, when i’m on the ground floor of a building, what if the upper floors and roof all crash down onto me, and when i’m on an upper floor, what if the floors below me give way and i fall. or i’ll be walking to a meeting that starts in five minutes and think things like what if it takes me ten minutes to walk to the meeting and i’m late when i know from past experience it’ll only take three minutes. or what if a driver ignores the red light as i cross the street or what if harvard bridge collapses while i’m on it or what if the utensils i picked up from the dining hall aren’t sanitary and give me food poisoning. maybe you could call these intrusive thoughts? some of them are legitimate problems with a reasonable chance of occuring, but they’re all pointless concerns in the sense that there’s not much i can do about any of them other than noticing when there’s an obvious issue, and i worry despite being aware of this

i’ll feel heavier and slower than usual. in an earlier post i wrote that it’s difficult to walk quickly when you’re very sad. i don’t understand the biology at work here yet – probably something about increased cortisol levels though i don’t know why that leads to sluggishness and heaviness – but i’m pretty sure it’s not just a placebo. some of my friends keep suggesting that i get earrings and i usually tell them sorry, i don’t want my body to feel heavier than it already is. which is kind of a ridiculous thing to say in the sense that earrings barely weigh anything at all, but for me it’s simply true that sadness feels like weight and weight tends to spawn sadness, and light earrings still have a lot of figurative and perceived weight. i am in pursuit of the lightness of birds and can’t stand being weighed down unnecessarily; this is probably also where the urge to have all my belongings fit in one suitcase comes from. (note: this is not an argument for dieting; the best way to reduce perceived weight is becoming stronger, rather than losing weight)

i’ll stop feeling pain in the way i usually do. as in, i’ll run into walls and my shoulder will start hurting and i’ll think hmm, my shoulder is in pain, that’s interesting but it won’t feel particularly good or bad, it’ll just be another sensation i have. i don’t think this is about self-harm? it’s more that when i’m already distracted by other strong feelings i really don’t pay attention to mild or moderate physical pain

the worst mornings are the ones where i feel a lot of anxiety the moment i wake up. this doesn’t happen too often, but usually it occurs when i have a lot of unfinished work due soon. for whatever reason (maybe something related to dreams or memory consolidation while sleeping) sometimes thoughts about all the work i have to do flood my consciousness literally the instant i open my eyes. and it just sucks, like, how are you supposed to recover from waking up like that? how do you remind yourself to breathe or meditate or whatever when you start the day in panic? (the answer is probably automated reminders of some kind; i’ll think about the best way to set that up)

i’ll want to tell people i feel terrible, but i rarely do. if anything i’ll just ask for hugs, because there’s very little other people can do to help anyway. the other day one of my friends told me that when someone needs a therapist and has the ability to get one, they will tell that person to see a therapist and not push the point further if the person refuses to, because “why should i care about someone more than they care about themselves?” and i guess that is more or less the mentality i’ve adopted with respect to my mental health. i want my problems to go away, and nobody will care about solving my problems as much as i do, so therefore i must care a lot. the more overwhelmed you are the more tempting apathy becomes, but i will try as hard as i can because i care, i care, no matter how much i want to give up i have to keep caring